“They say there’s no such thing as a free meal, but fortunately that just isn’t true, you just gotta know where to look!” That’s what I wrote awhile back in an article called The Freeloader’s Guide to the Galaxy. For those of you who missed it (most of the planet), here are some of those strange-but-true freebies!
Free Postage! Did you know blind people get free postage? Instead of sticking a stamp in the top left hand corner of the envelope these crafty sightless folks write, “Free Matter For the Blind or Handicapped.” Is this wrong for you to try? Heck, you may be “legally blind” and not even know it. Don’t throw away your rights!
Free Sterilization! It’s a known fact: Kids cause more financial and psychological damage than drugs. You can quit heroin, but a child is habit you’ll have for at least 18 years! Guys, a great way to sterilize yourself is to stand with your groin area very close to the microwave while it’s on and emitting small doses of radiation. Radiation = sterile!
Free Parking! All you have to do is get handicapped license plates. It’s easier than you think, especially in states like Wisconsin where the only requirement is “not being able to walk 200 feet or more without stopping to rest.” Just get some doctor to sign off on it (be sure to limp into his office) and you are set for life, parking like the big boss in the best space every time!
Free Tipping! Have you ever heard of “second-generation tipping?” It’s a wonderful money saver when you go out to eat. Simply take a tip off a nearby table and place it on yours. Your waiter gets a good tip, you get good service, everybody wins! If you feel especially generous, take 2 or 3 tips off other tables. Hey big spender!
Free Money for Being Impotent! Women have been paid to have sex for centuries, but did you know that men can be paid for not having sex? Centerwatch.com is a nationwide online listing of clinical medical trials. You can earn money for a variety of illnesses such as gout, IBS, depression, hair loss, diabetes, impotence and much more!
(Disclaimer: Warning, the above post contains comedy and satire and is not meant to be taken seriously, except by those who may be infuriated by its contents.)
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